ARE YOU FEELING SHAME OR CONVICTION?
One of the biggest reasons so many Christians don’t feel free or have hope is that they are drowning in shame.
What’s ironic, and painfully sad, is that they don’t know they are experiencing shame. They mislabel what they feel as conviction, and may even invite it as being from God, when in actuality, it is one of Satan’s most insidious weapons.
Conviction Is ... Shame Is ...
Conviction is when you feel bad for doing something wrong. Shame is when you feel wrong. You just feel bad. It’s a generic feeling, not attached to anything you’ve done.
Conviction is becoming convinced that I’ve made a mistake. The Holy Spirit brings on this feeling because He is in your life to influence you and because He loves you and wants to keep you and others from the pain and consequences of sin. Shame is being convinced I am a mistake. Other people bring on this feeling because they are in influential positions in your life, but are broken individuals who don’t know how to love.
Conviction is a positive emotion. It moves us toward action, leading us to confess, to repent, to change our behavior, and to grow. There is nothing positive about shame. You are a negative, and since it is generic, there’s no wrong behavior to confess, repent, or change. It paralyzes us and leaves us where we are.
Conviction is a gift whispered to us by the Holy Spirit as a loving warning. Shame is a disease painted on us by the people we listen to, who share their dysfunction like it’s contagious.
It’s the girl who grew up being molested by her uncle and to this day has a sense of being dirty. Or the daughter who grew up being told by her mother that she needed to lose weight because boys don’t like heavy girls. Her whole life, she’s kept guys who showed interest in her at arm’s length, because she knows they’ll ultimately reject her. Her mother told her so.
It’s the boy who grew up with a harsh father who never showed affection or said the words, “I love you.” What that dad did communicate was that his son was unworthy, unbearable, and too stupid to say or do anything intelligent. Early on, that son will become convinced his father is right about him. He doesn’t have a lot of other opinions to go on. His father’s opinion of him will form his own opinion of himself. He will adopt thoughts that he is not worthy of love or capable of doing anything deserving of praise. Why? What has he done to warrant my self-loathing? Nothing. It’s just a generic feeling he has about himself. That’s shame.
What Are You Hiding?
In his book “Scary Close” Donald Miller shares a helpful illustration.
The counselor drew a little circle and in it wrote “self.” He explained, “You were born a self. A healthy happy little self. But then something happened that changed everything.”
He then drew a second circle around the first and in that second circle wrote, “Shame.” He continued, “At some point you came to believe there’s something wrong with you. Maybe you didn’t measure up to the standards of your parents, or the kids at school made fun of you, or you just came to believe you’re inferior. That shame caused you to hide. That’s a problem, because the more you hide, the harder it is to know you, and you have to be known to connect with, and you were made for connection.”
He then drew a third circle around the first two and labeled it, “False Self.” He concluded, “We develop a false self to cover our shame. We come to believe that we only matter if we’re attractive, or powerful, or successful, or funny. It’s what you do to make you feel lovable to other people, it’s how you think you’ll be accepted. This is what you are. A self, covered in shame, and hiding behind an act.” The counselor then pointed to the first circle and said, “This guy, your inner self, is the part of you that gives and receives love. The outer ring is just theater.”
I wonder what image you’re showing to hide your true self, when it’s your true self everyone would really like to connect with.
Walking Pollution? Or a Beloved Daughter of God?
In Mark 5 we meet “a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years… (Mark 5:25). We’re not told exactly, but it seems she had a chronic menstrual disorder. Such a condition would be a burden for any woman of any era, but for a Jewish woman of that time, in that culture, it was far more oppressive. She would have been considered untouchable – even by her family. According to the law, anyone who touched her would have been made “unclean.” She wouldn’t be allowed to enter the temple to worship God. People would have thought of her as walking pollution.
It only makes sense that her condition would have left her drowning in shame, and if you read the story, you’ll see tell-tale signs that she was shame-filled in her thinking and actions.
One day she heard Jesus was coming and devises a plan. She would approach him from behind, so that he wouldn’t know. Her shame told her he would never welcome her or be willing to heal her. She wouldn’t touch him – that was out of the question - but instead his clothes. Perhaps there would be healing in his garment.
Finally, she got to Jesus, reached out, touched his cloak, and “Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering” (Mark 5:29). She was physically healed.
But there was still a problem. She was focused exclusively on her body, but what she almost certainly didn’t understand was that something much deeper inside of her was broken.
Shame is like that. When you struggle with shame, you don’t realize you struggle with shame. You don’t think, “The reason I feel like I’m a mistake who is unlovable and a burden on the world is because I struggle with shame.” No, you just feel like a mistake who is unlovable and a burden on the world. To you it’s not an assessment of yourself, given to you, or possessed by you, it’s just who you are.
This woman’s primary problem was shame. That’s why she’s the only person in the Bible who ever snuck up on Jesus for a covert healing. That’s why, after being healed physically, rather than thank Jesus, she tries to slink off through the crowd.
Think about that. She had been physically healed. She was no longer unclean. Why try to get away unnoticed? She had nothing more to hide, nothing more to keep her distant from others. But, actually, she did. Her shame.
As she tries to sneak away, Jesus calls out, “Who touched me?” Obviously, this woman didn’t want to be pointed out, so why did Jesus insist?
Because He loved her and knew she needed to come forward. Finally, she does, “Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth” (Mark 5:33).
Shame researchers tell us part of the path out of shame is to “speak our shame.” We have to get to a place where we give words to our pain and share our story with others. That’s exactly what Jesus forced this woman to do.
She shares the “whole truth” and then must have wondered how Jesus would respond. He called her “Daughter.” “He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering’” (Mark 5:34).
This is the only recorded time Jesus called anyone daughter. Can you imagine how it made her feel when Jesus looked her in the eyes and called her by that tender term of endearment? When was the last time anyone had spoken to her with affection?
God, come down to earth, called her daughter. He let her know that despite how she was made to feel about herself, she was his child. That, who she was, without the shame-colored glasses, was a beloved child of God.
That’s who you are. Despite what you may have been told by your parents, or made to feel by someone at school, you are a beloved son or daughter of God.
TAKE ACTION
Where have you felt a vague sense of feeling bad about yourself, but with no specific sin to attach it to? It is possible that is shame painted on you by someone who spoke negatively to you?
Who could you “speak your shame” to? What trusted friend could you be vulnerable with, giving words to your pain and sharing your story with them? Text them and set up a time to get together. Then share your heart. And ask Jesus to make you free.
*If this has been helpful, please send me a message at brad@bradjenkins.me and let me know. And please help me by sharing this post with others who could benefit from it. My writing aims to help people enjoy a vibrant relationship with Jesus, and it is an honor to be on this journey with you.
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