Marriage Was Never Meant to Be a Tug of War

Somewhere between “I do” and “what happened?”—many couples find themselves wondering why the dream feels so far away. What started with so much promise can slowly turn into tension. Communication breaks down. Roles become unclear. Love gets tangled in control, silence, or resentment.

But what if the problem isn’t just with us… but with the story we’ve been told?

We’re living in a cultural moment where confusion around marriage and gender roles runs deep. On one side, some say men are called to lead while women follow quietly, never questioning or contributing to the direction of the family. On the other, culture tells us that men and women are basically interchangeable—that there’s no real difference, no unique design.

Both of those are distortions of God’s design. And neither reflects the beauty God intended.

I want to offer a better vision—one rooted in Scripture and overflowing with grace: Kingdom Partnership.

It’s God’s design for marriage from the beginning. And when we walk in it, we discover something far better than surviving marriage—we find joy, unity, and purpose as we lead together.

Distortion #1: Biblical Headship Doesn’t Mean THE MAN LEADS SOLO

Let’s begin with a hard truth: Some of the most damaging ideas about marriage haven’t come from culture—they’ve come from within the Church.

Too often, “male headship” has been taught like a power structure—something where men dominate and women disappear. But that’s not what the Bible describes. Ephesians 5 paints a far different picture: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Biblical headship isn’t about control—it’s about sacrifice and responsibility.

It’s about going first in love. It’s a call to lay down your life, not take up a throne.

When Scripture says the husband is the “head,” it’s calling him to lead like Jesus did—with humility, compassion, and strength that lifts others up.

For the men: If your leadership causes your wife to shrink back instead of becoming her best—you’re leading the wrong way. I believe God wants you to lead, but not in a way that diminishes her.

And to my sisters reading this: encouraging your husband’s leadership isn’t a loss of your voice or value. It’s an invitation into a partnership marked by mutual trust and shared purpose. And it encourages him to bring his God-given best to your marriage as a servant leader.

Distortion #2: Culture Says Gender Doesn’t Matter—God Says It Does

Now, let’s swing to the opposite ditch.

We’re told today that male and female are just social constructs—roles invented by history, not designed by God. And yet, when we go back to the beginning, the picture is unmistakably clear.

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.’” (Genesis 1:27–28)

God created us uniquely male and female. That is an important part of his design that is often overlooked these days. Equal in worth, distinct in design.

And God gave both man and woman a shared identity as image bearers and shared responsibility to rule and reign over creation.

From the start, His design wasn’t a solo act—it was a duet.

And here’s the beautiful part: even before sin entered the story, God looked at the man alone and said, “It is not good.” (Genesis 2:18)

He created Eve not from Adam’s head, nor from his feet, but from his side. Why? Because she wasn’t made to rule over him, nor be ruled by him—she was made to walk with him. Not above. Not below. But beside.

The Hebrew word for “helper” is ezer—used most often in the Old Testament to describe God Himself. This isn’t a word for a simple assistant. It’s a word for strong support and life partner.

So when you look at your spouse—see them as God does: not a competitor or a subordinate, but a partner. Someone made in His image, with strengths that complement yours, designed to bring out the best in you.

What Kingdom Partnership Looks Like

In my own marriage, the best days are when Christina and I walk in the same direction—together.

There are days when I lead more visibly—and days when Christina’s strength holds everything steady. We challenge each other. We support each other. We raise our kids as a team. And every day, we’re still learning what it means to stand together for God’s glory.

That’s Kingdom Partnership.

It’s not about who’s in charge.
It’s about everyone bringing their best.

It’s a marriage marked by love, not power.
By unity, not uniformity.
By shared calling, not silent compromise.

When couples walk in this way, it’s not just good for them—it’s good for the whole family. Our kids need to see moms and dads who model teamwork, trust, and tenderness. Our churches need families who reflect the love of Christ in both strength and humility.

This is God’s vision—and it’s still possible today.

Here’s the Good News

You don’t have to have a perfect marriage. You don’t need to get every role just right. You just need to walk in the direction of God’s design.

One step of humility.
One conversation of grace.
One act of partnership at a time.

Marriage was never meant to be a tug of war. It was meant to be a team.

So whether your marriage feels strong or strained—don’t give up. Start fresh. Invite God into the center again. He’s the One who can turn distance into closeness, confusion into clarity, and brokenness into beauty.

You were never meant to do this alone.

TAKE ACTION

This week, take one step toward Kingdom Partnership in your home.

If you’re married, sit down with your spouse and ask: How can we better reflect God’s design together? Don’t try to fix everything—just talk, pray, and listen. Start with gratitude. Name what you appreciate about each other. Then dream about the kind of “team” you want to become.

If you’re single or dating, take time to reflect on the kind of partner you’re becoming. Ask God to shape your heart into someone who leads with love, follows with joy, and reflects His design in every relationship.

And whoever you are—pray for the families around you. Cheer them on. Speak life into them. Because when our homes reflect Heaven, the world takes notice.

We are better together.

*If this has been helpful, please send me a message at brad@bradjenkins.me and let me know. My writing aims to help people enjoy a vibrant relationship with Jesus, and it is an honor to be on this journey with you.

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